The Tribe Diaries: What May Never Be...

entry #1

The Tribe Diaries

TTow halves of an avacado, one happy with its stone inside, one sad with no stone inside.

What May Never Be...

words: Kristin George
"It’s not the right time. You’re not healthy enough."  

My husband repeats a version of these words every so often when I get Baby Fever. I know they’re true.  I don’t want to hear them.  I feign a smile and pretend I'm happy for others having babies...

...When, actually, I'm dying a little inside. 
Don't get me wrong, I do feel joyful when someone close to me becomes pregnant.  I admit there is also a gut-wrenching ache and an unrelenting sadness.  

Because this may never happen for me.

I’ve been waiting six years for that to be me - waiting, wishing, and hoping.  It kills me inside, with every year that passes taking me further away from the possibility that I will ever be a Mom. 

I've been diagnosed with 17 conditions, six that are serious chronic illnesses.  I've been unable to work for over two years and I'll probably never have a traditional job again.  I have, though, been blessed to become an author, freelance writer and an Editor when I'm physically employable,
which really isn't that often.  

Medical  bills and only one income coming in, living in one of the most expensive areas in America, mean our budget is extremely tight some months.  

My parents gave me an amazing life and were always able to support me emotionally and financially.  

If I bring a child into this world, I want to be able to do the same.  I’m not saying money  means 'good parent' and no cash means 'bad'.  

My point is simply this - struggling to take care of yourself financially makes it hard to bring a child into an already challenging life.

Scary Uncertainty

My declining health is the main reason I may never have children and some of my illnesses may make me infertile.  One of my most serious illnesses is Gastroparesis (gastro = stomach, paresis = partial/complete paralysis), which makes me unable to eat a normal amount of food and would be extremely dangerous to a pregnancy. 

My doctors have said I might not be able to carry a baby to term and I can't stop taking my medication. Every day I have to take up to 25 medications and up to20 supplements -  not all of these are not safe to take when pregnant.

Even these medications do not stop the pain, nausea, dizziness,tachycardia and other severe symptoms I experience daily.  But without them, I risk fainting, severe pain, severe nausea, an inability so sleep and an inability to hold down any food at all.  I have weeks where I barely sleep, there are nights I don’t sleep at all.  

My body pays the toll.  

It would be nearly impossible to take care of a child when I feel like I have the flu plus a stomach virus every single day. I’m at the doctor's office each week, twice a week. Sometimes even more. Surgery is a frequent thing for me, which requires general anaesthesia.  

None of these things are compatible with being pregnant.  My baby would be at serious risk. 

I can't do it to them.


How would it be for my 
child when Mommy has 
to stay in bed much 
of the time?
  The uncertainty 
scares me.
On a typical day, I wake up feeling extremely nauseous, often unable to eat until the afternoon. I usually go to 
I've been on liquid diets for months at a time. I've almost been tube-fed twice because I was unable to digest enough to sustain myself, let alone a baby. 

I generally wake up hurting and stay that way to varying degrees until I go to sleep again. If can sleep

A 'good day' is level six pain (out of 10), with nausea at level eight. That's a great day for me. 

I haven't had a day without pain or nausea in three or four years. On my worst days, I wake with my heart racing and head spinning.  Migraines are a daily thing, every time I open my eyes after resting.I either sleep too much or sleep too little, having to take pills every night to finally drift off and stay asleep. These pills can make me miss alarms or other noise that should have roused me.  
This is not conducive to having a child. 

All my suffering makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to be a mother.  Would I be a good mother? Can I function enough with all of my illnesses to properly care for a child?  How would it be for my child when Mommy has to stay in bed much of the time?

I don't know the answer to these questions. 

The uncertainty scares me.

Were I to have a baby, I'd have to push through the agony, sickness and misery. Imagine feeling and being sick almost constantly, while in severe pain too...It's difficult, if not impossible, to just push through.  

Despite the all consuming love you feel for your child, friends in the Invisible Illness Community who are parents have admitted to me they feel misery during the rougher times. 

When mothers have the flu, people often pitch in to clean the house, cook dinner, take their children to school, or fulfil other household duties. I would need daily help. 

I am fatigued 24/7 and have pain 24/7. I get worn out easily and can’t stand or move for long. I can't imagine having to take my child to the park - as every child deserves. The emotional impact of this can be huge. 



I have convinced myself I have accepted it.  
The truth is I have not.  
I can’t help but 
picture what our child 
would look like. 

I can’t go to baby showers. 

I throw away all pregnancy announcements. I have to look away from babies in public.  It all hurts too much. 
 
I have convinced myself that I’m okay if I never have kids.  I have convinced myself I have accepted it.  But the truth is I have not. 

Whenever a baby looks at me and smiles, my heart breaks.  I can’t help but picture what our child would look like.  would look like.  I can’t help but envision holding my baby in my arms one day.  I can’t help but picture what my life would be like if I were blessed with children. 

Being a Mom is something I've wanted my entire life. It is
something my husband and I have talked about for the thirteen years we've been together. 

Knowing it may not happen is almost unbearable. 

Easier Read Than Done

As someone who struggles with the reality that I may never have a child, the best advice I can give others is to not ask a couple when they are going to have kids. 

The longer my husband and I have been married, the more frequently this question comes. It's as if we can’t live a fulfilling life without children, that we're somehow 
a failure. Certainly an anomaly.  

I feel like others always think not having children is my choice, that I am less of a woman,  and a person, because of it. 

So let me tell you that many childless people do not have a choice. We weren’t given the option to decide whether or not we wanted a family. 
Such a seemingly innocuous question can unleash a world of pain upon us when you don't know the struggles and longing we're facing.  

You don’t know if we're dealing with infertility, financial burdens, or other health issues. 

I feel the need to constantly justify why I don’t have kids. But I owe no-one an explanation.  

And neither do any of you who are facing challenges too.

Many people don’t want to share their intimately personal battles or admit they're having money trouble, they're seriously ill or having fertility issues.
  

Don’t let anyone make you feel less of a woman, 
man or adult because you're not a parent.

For those of you struggling with infertility or other health issues that make having a child difficult or impossible, you can live a happy life. 

Because we don’t have children, my husband and I can travel more often.  We can go on two-week vacations and not worry about childcare. 

We can leave for weeks at a time and not be terrified if our kids are receiving proper care.  We can enjoy each other’s company, just the two of us. 

We are living a full life despite not being able to have children. I can honestly say I am content about where I am in my life, even though at times it's still so hard to accept.
To those women and men for whom The Children Question is so complex - I understand your battle.  I understand your heartache and your grief for what may never be. 

Perhaps the best we can aim for in terms of acceptance is to acknowledge the childless trip through life will sting.  We will be overcome with longing.  During this journey, don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel.  

Don’t let anyone make you feel like you are less of a woman or a man - or an adult! - because you're not a parent.

Don’t let anyone belittle your loss.  That is yours.  This is your conflict.  You have every right to fight it your own way - at your own pace.  Including the tearful days...

Say no to baby showers, Christenings and babysitting your friends' offspring if you need to.  Avoid diaper advertisements if you have to!  Do what's best for you when you're feeling fragile.  It's okay to put yourself first.  

Give yourself time to grieve.  Not having children when you want them is is an unimaginable type of torture.  Emotions and culture aside, it's a very basic, strong instinct - and instincts aren't designed to be ignored.  We are animals, after all...

Allow yourself space to accept your new reality. Give yourself permission to get angry and upset.  You're right, this ISN'T fair!  Just don't live there. 

Don’t let yourself wallow in your sorrow. It’s fine to feel this way and it's healthy to express your emotions instead of keeping them pent up, but don’t let it take over your life.  This only leads to greater unhappiness, and it won’t change the reality of your circumstances. 

Sunshine and Rain 

If your negative emotions are overwhelming and become persistent, ask for professional help (from your doctor 
or a counsellor). This is a big deal!  

One that isn't ever going away.  Unfortunately, no matter how much you beg, plead, scream or cry, there are things you can’t change. You just can't. It stinks.

Most importantly, don’t let anyone ever steal your joy. Getting upset by Facebook pregnancy announcements? Stop following that person or simply stay off Facebook until your emotional dust has settled (again. Yes, it's an ongoing cycle). 

Don’t ever let someone else’s joy affect your happiness. Likewise, don't steal anyone else's joy.  It’s not worth feeling angry, bitter, envious or resentful. 

These emotions only impact negatively on you.  You'd want someone to be genuinely happy if you could get pregnant.  
It's not their fault we can't have children, and shouldn't all new babies be celebrated?

When all else fails, let the tears come, flow, then go.  Do not criticise yourself for them.  Be happy chances come along -  it won't invalidate the children you never had or can never hold. 

You have a purpose, even if it doesn't involve being a parent. Find this and whatever it is, excel at that. Channel the love you would lavish upon your babies into something else that means something to you - the world needs more kindness!

I realise all this is easier read than done...
You are no less a woman, man or adult because you have not bred.  
 
You are a warrior.  You are brave.  
And you will find sunshine between the rain... 

...Never forget that.

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