Body Of Deception
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#BodyOfDeception

I am so angry with my body. 

I am so frustrated at how much deception is occurring as a result of dealing with this damn sickness day after day. 

Now an then my mind and mouth lead me astray.  "Try a little yoghurt / milkshake / applesauce / mini muffin..."

They coax me.  "It will be delicious... 

What were you thinking? 
How stupid can you be? 

You deserve this.

It's your fault for trying 
something in the first place...

...It shouldn't cause you too much trouble!  You won't regret it.  What's the worst it can do?  You need to keep trying so you get additional nutritional intake and to avoid more damage to you digestive system." 

I can only attempt this once a day, and even then usually only a couple of times each week.  

Initially, my stomach says, "That wasn't too bad. It tasted good. I'm really full but I think I can handle this.  Thank you." 

However, my stomach and mind then turn on me.  Master deceiving me once again.  Out of nowhere, no matter what I'm doing, nausea and pain hit me hard a few hours later, if not before.  My mind responds first.  

"It's okay, at least it was good. At least you were able to enjoy a little something.  We've got this!"

Then disaster hits when side effects continue and intensify. 

"What were you thinking?  How stupid can you be?  Why are you going to keep doing this to yourself?!  You deserve the pain and nausea because it's your fault for trying a little something in the first place."  

My stomach chimes in with its bolshie attitude.   "You will pay for putting me through this hell. You want to keep playing with me, testing me, well guess what?  It's time for you to be punished.  I'm going to make you feel as awful as possible. Just remember, you are the one who wanted to take the chance - now you can deal with the consequences." 

The deception!  It's inexpiable and disturbing for sure.  But that's not all.   Physically, I deal with deception as well.  

My mind wants my body eager and active, but my muscles do not always agree and definitely do not like to cooperate. My muscles and mind work together to tell me that I should be fine if I do this, if I do that.  They tell me it would be fun.
They remind me of how much I'm missing and encourage me to be more engaged so I don't miss out on life.

Sounds great, right?  I mean doesn't everyone want to spend time outside, go on vacations, go shopping at the mall, 
or take scenic walks with their loved ones?  Don’t activities help bring families closer, make life more enjoyable? 

So I spend hours, days, or sometimes even weeks trying to decide if I can be courageous enough to take the chance. Weighing up the possible pay-back.  What kind of complications and consequences will I have to undertake?  

Can I successfully survive the consequences?

Finally, I gain enough confidence and decide to agree to live more. My choice may be as simple as going shopping, attending a movie, or taking a calm relaxing vacation with my family. In the moment, I go all in! I mean, if I'm going to be required to face consequences afterwards, I might as well enjoy the moment to the maximum level.
My family and I do try to make as many accommodations as we can before embarking on any ‘event’, most of which, I tend to agree with (with the exception of using a scooter). 

My body punishes me furiously for days,
sometimes weeks.
Leaving my mind 
feeling deceived as well.

Masquerade

I don't like admitting that I need to take a break, leave early, sit back and watch others enjoying themselves – or having to cancel. If I start something, I do everything in my power to complete it as expected.  I will not look for excuses or express too many complaints. Lots of times, it's my family who sees when I'm physically struggling and 
re-evaluates and/or adjustments our plans. 

After deceiving my body enough to participate in life, allowing adrenaline and emotions to take control of my actions, my body becomes enraged. My muscles and energy crash. Then my body punishes me furiously for days, sometimes even weeks. Leaving my mind feeling deceived as well.

Another example of this sort of deception is when my mind and body try to trick others with the outward appearance I project. With a smile on my face, I convince others that I am fine, that I'm okay, that I am strong enough to handle things, and that my shortcomings do not bring me down. 

I try to persuade them that, regardless of how bad I'm actually feeling, I have things under control and there’s no need for them to worry about me.

It’s apparent to me that I have become a Body of Deception as a result of my chronic illness and its impact on my life, physically and mentally.  

Despite everything this masquerade means, I admit - my #BOD does, at least,
let me feel alive.

To read more from Trisha, go to her blog - Gastroparesis Crusader 
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