I am so angry with my body. I am extremely frustrated at how much deception is occurring as a
result of dealing with this damn sickness day after day.
Once in a while my mind and mouth say "Try a little yoghurt / milkshake / applesauce / mini muffin, etc. They coax me…"It will be delicious. It shouldn't cause you too much trouble! You won't regret it. What's the worst it can do? You need to keep trying so you get additional nutritional intake and to avoid more damage to you digestive system."
Mind you, I can only attempt this once a day, and even then usually only a couple of times each week.
Initially, my stomach says, "That wasn't too bad. It tasted good. I'm really full but I think I can handle this. Thank you."
However, my stomach and mind then turn on me. Master deceiving me once again. Out of nowhere, no matter what I'm doing, nausea and pain hit me hard a few hours later, if not before. My mind responds first. "It's okay, at least it was good. At least you were able to enjoy a little something. We've got this!"
Then disaster hits when side effects continue and intensify.
"What were you thinking? How stupid can you be? Why are you going to keep doing this to yourself?! You deserve the pain and nausea because it's your fault for trying a little something in the first place."
My stomach chimes in with its bolshie attitude. "You will pay for putting me through this hell. You want to keep playing with me, testing me, well guess what? It's time for you to be punished. I'm going to make you feel as awful as possible. Just remember, you are the one who wanted to take the chance - now you can deal with the consequences."
The deception! It's inexpiable and disturbing for sure. But that's not all. Physically, I deal with deception as well.
My mind wants my body eager and active, but my muscles do not always agree and definitely do not like to cooperate. My muscles and mind work together to tell me that I should be fine if I do this, if I do that. They tell me it would be fun. They remind me of how much I'm missing and encourage me to be more engaged so I don't miss out on life.
Sounds great, right? I mean doesn't everyone want to
spend time outside, go on vacations, go shopping at the mall, or take scenic walks with their loved ones? Don’t activities help bring families closer, make life more enjoyable? So I spend hours, days, or sometimes even weeks trying to decide if I can be courageous enough to take the chance. Weighing up the possible pay-back. What kind of
complications and consequences will I have to undertake? Can I successfully survive the consequences?